56 Things I Learned Working in A Doctor’s Office

Because we all need a little humor – a Guest Blog by Chris and Pam Kelleher, Practice Administrators (with tongue planted firmly in cheek).

1. ALL doctors are rich. Patients don’t really have to pay them.
2. I know everyone in the world, so I have no need to ask for a patient’s ID.
3. I know every patient’s plan and coverage, so I shouldn’t ask for insurance cards, either.
4. I automatically know when a patient has changed their insurance plan, or has moved.
5. Every doctor rips off patients & insurance companies.
6. I’m always kidding when I tell people their insurance has terminated. I’m a good kidder.
7. Insurance termination dates don’t mean anything. As long as the patient has the insurance card they’re covered…just ask ‘em.
8. I know the diagnosis of every patient in our practice.
9. I work at a doctor’s office for FREE medical care, FREE lunches, and FREE samples.
10. I know every patient’s account number, address, and phone number.
11. I do not know how to file a claim…I always file claims incorrectly.
12. I have to do whatever the insurance company’s customer service rep told my patient.
13. I know exactly how much every insurance company is going to pay for any service.
14. Patient Co-Pays and Deductibles are… suggestions.
15. Patients don’t have to pay at the time-of-service if they left their checkbook at home.
16. I can read any patient’s mind.
17. If I ask for a patient’s social security number, I’m going to steal their identity.
18. The U. S. Postal Service sure loses a lot of patients’ bills…(just ask our patients.)
19. Completing ALL disability forms is our job since we made the patient disabled.
20. Since they take no time at all to do, prescription requests SHOULD be FREE!
21. Most insurance companies know better than doctors on what medical care is best for their patients.
22. It’s “OK” for patients to answer their cell phone while the doctor is explaining the risks of an upcoming surgery or drug side effects.
23. Apparently, patients have different definitions for work excuses than doctors.
24. People always pay their doctor Last, but say their health comes First.
25. We always mess up and put “Routine” on the patient’s “Problem” visit…Sorry.
26. Requests for medical records are always STAT.
27. Anyone working in a doctor’s office is a medical expert.
28. I am also the patient’s baby sitter.
29. Late patients should bump other patients since the late patient’s appointment was first.
30. We love it when a patient’s check bounces. We make tons of extra money and we just love calling them to rub it in.
31. Insurance companies NEVER EVER receive medical documents…the first time.
32. After midnight, and during weekends, are the best times to call for prescription refills.
33. There is a direct proportional relationship to the number of children the mother brings to her appointment, with the number of medical issues she wants to discuss with her doctor.
34. It is my fault when patients can’t find a parking space.
35. Yes, it is “OK” for us to change the patient’s diagnosis so the insurance will pay.
36. Rude patients make me want to help them more.
37. Since I am not really human, I should never make a mistake.
38. It is “OK” to walk into an exam room when the door is shut.
39. I can’t hear. I need patients to ding the bell 5 times more in a row.
40. The sign that says “No Cell Phones Please” is just for decoration.
41. Doctors make patients wait on purpose. It’s fun to make patients mad.
42. Doctors always know when their patients’ prescriptions will expire.
43. Fraud doesn’t really happen. Therefore, I should give everyone exactly what they want.
44. Pre-certification is my favorite thing to do.
45. Insurance company web sites are Always accessible; Always up-to-date; Always easy to navigate, and Always correct. They are the perfect source for patient benefit information.
46. The practice orders and buys magazines for the patients to take home.
47. Please and Thank You are forbidden words in a doctor’s office. We hate to hear them.
48. “Yes,” our scales are wrong. Patients are never more than 20 lbs off when telling us their weight.
49. It’s “OK” for “Bad Debt” patients to request prescription refills.
50. I will break the rules for any patient, as long as the patient gripes for more than 10 minutes and gets progressively louder.
51. The very best time for patients to tell us their insurance has changed is when they are checking out.
52. I am psychic. When the patient calls I can recognize their voice and pull up their information automatically. It’s all that fancy technology we have.
53. Patients don’t have to tell me that they’ve been with the practice for 40 years…I can tell.
54. Since you have never met me before, I must be “new” and I have no idea what I’m doing.
55. I make the rules for patients’ insurance companies. Blame it all on me!
56. I’m an idiot.